I stand very little infront of such magnificence I get it God, I get it. you have won before you ever started. I understand every single lesson you ever taught me, and I hope you give me the courage to continue to understand the further lessons you bestow upon me.
But Lord, haven't I proved anything; even a little bit? even the most minor dot in the sky. Have you not seen my sincerity? I ask for your forgiveness time and time again. Please forgive me now. I will do everything in my power to make you happy.
You and me, Lord; we have shared such a rollercoaster relationship. I remember the days I used to doubt you, and I remember the days I blamed you for everything in my life; I remember the days I used to not want to ever hear your name. I was so angry at you. At 14 years old standing in the rain looking up to you on my knees asking you to help me, screaming at you, cursing at you. I just wanted your help and I was convinced you couldn't hear me. I was so wrong; you were helping me in every way possible; you gave me so many signs and escapes. I chose to stay in the path I was in. How could I be so oblivious? I'm so sorry. This is my emotions on paper for you;
I know you've listened to this before from me, but my heart was bleeding and I need to talk to you, again.
At 21 years old; I understand you are the world. Without you, I wouldn't be out of any of this mess. You have faced all my demons with me; even when you pushed me away, you still saw my intentions being great enough to help me. I remember you all the time; when I'm happy, when I'm sad, and when I'm angry. You and me both know what my anger is like. Again, I apologise for my impatience. I know Allah; I know you made me a strong one, "The girl with a stone for a heart" as my mother would say when she was frustrated with her stubborn daughter. I know you send people and situations in life for a reason, to be a blessing or a lesson. I have had many lessons now. I cannot open my heart anymore.
But this time, I was so happy; but I knew you don't reward without a test; I guess the test this time was after the reward. I just need you to give me more courage to face these multiple challenges you have put on me. Can you help me with this? SubhanAllah you're so effortless with your ways; you give and you take, and then you wait. You wait until I have gotten to the edge, the edge of my life and then you help me back up. I know I'm here for a reason, and I'll find this out when we finally exchange voices.
My life twisted like that one swing a naughty kid wrapped around the bar; which is too high and too wrapped in different directions to ever be able to single handedly bring down. I don't want you to take this swing down for me, but please lower it for me; so I can reach and attempt to untangle it.
Life, Love and lessons. I know I'll get through this, I know I am strong with you; but I'm tired, I'm so tired.
I know you know. You know I know. We both know that only you can help me whilst I utilize what you have already given me. The rest of the world needs your blessings before I ever will; I will be
Ya Allah; I have no complaints, only questions.
Lots of love from,
Your child. x
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