The Broken Cookie

Ya Allah; I know your intentions are purer and truer than mine will ever be. I understand I am a sinner and you are the most glorified. I understand you never burden a soul more than it can ever take. I remember you daily, I remember you every hour. Please forgive me for questioning your ways, but I need to know what's happening.

I stand very little infront of such magnificence  I get it God, I get it. you have won before you ever started. I understand every single lesson you ever taught me, and I hope you give me the courage to continue to understand the further lessons you bestow upon me.

But Lord, haven't I proved anything; even a little bit? even the most minor dot in the sky. Have you not seen my sincerity? I ask for your forgiveness time and time again. Please forgive me now. I will do everything in my power to make you happy.

You and me, Lord; we have shared such a rollercoaster relationship. I remember the days I used to doubt you, and I remember the days I blamed you for everything in my life; I remember the days I used to not want to ever hear your name. I was so angry at you. At 14 years old standing in the rain looking up to you on my knees asking you to help me, screaming at you, cursing at you. I just wanted your help and I was convinced you couldn't hear me. I was so wrong; you were helping me in every way possible; you gave me so many signs and escapes. I chose to stay in the path I was in. How could I be so oblivious? I'm so sorry. This is my emotions on paper for you;

I know you've listened to this before from me, but my heart was bleeding and I need to talk to you, again.

At 21 years old; I understand you are the world. Without you, I wouldn't be out of any of this mess. You have faced all my demons with me; even when you pushed me away, you still saw my intentions being great enough to help me. I remember you all the time; when I'm happy, when I'm sad, and when I'm angry. You and me both know what my anger is like. Again, I apologise for my impatience. I know Allah; I know you made me a strong one, "The girl with a stone for a heart" as my mother would say when she was frustrated with her stubborn daughter. I know you send people and situations in life for a reason, to be a blessing or a lesson. I have had many lessons now. I cannot open my heart anymore.

But this time, I was so happy; but I knew you don't reward without a test; I guess the test this time was after the reward. I just need you to give me more courage to face these multiple challenges you have put on me. Can you help me with this? SubhanAllah you're so effortless with your ways; you give and you take, and then you wait. You wait until I have gotten to the edge, the edge of my life and then you help me back up. I know I'm here for a reason, and I'll find this out when we finally exchange voices.

My life twisted like that one swing a naughty kid wrapped around the bar; which is too high and too wrapped in different directions to ever be able to single handedly bring down. I don't want you to take this swing down for me, but please lower it for me; so I can reach and attempt to untangle it.

Life, Love and lessons. I know I'll get through this, I know I am strong with you; but I'm tired, I'm so tired.

I know you know. You know I know. We both know that only you can help me whilst I utilize what you have already given me. The rest of the world needs your blessings before I ever will; I will be unpatiently patient for you and only ever you. I'll work with the props you have given me for now, I promise you. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense God; and I'm sorry if this is all a big mess; but it's just a reflection of my heart right now.

Ya Allah; I have no complaints, only questions.

Lots of love from,

Your child. x

This type of Love

Love? 

It's beautiful to have someone you can share the world with, see a future with. someone you can speak to throughout the day, someone you can escape to from this crazy world, someone you can put all your trust into which you could never do before. It's stunning to have that person who feels for you what you feel for them. 
But there's a definition of love that isn't so pretty, the type that really spins you around and brings this beautiful world that was made for you straight down, the crazy stupid type of love where you start doing things and saying things to each other that you promised you never would, your words are just rolling out and your heart cant stop them this time. you're both full of tears and yeah you've been here with eachother many times but never took it serious, one day of silent treatment solved it everytime, right? 
But not this time. your heart is angry now and there's nothing to calm it. The type of love that leaves you lonely and disconnects you from a routine you were so used to. The type of love that makes you rethink a future you were so excited for, 

..And the type of love that makes you leave the person who made you feel this type of love..

So..what is a successful artist?

Gosh; I don't know where to start with this one. You know what? everywhere I look, any artist I speak to and anyone pursuing a form of art; I hear the same question/topic amongst them: "What are you doing with your art, how much is it making you? Are you successful?" I don't understand the brain logic behind asking this question to an artist; I guess there is very minimal logic; if any at all.

Personally, when I hear the term "Successful" what I picture in my mind is hard work payed of; not measured in pound coins but measured in relief, and being truly content in their accomplishments. Happiness is of course a measure of success but only to an extent. Now, I'm not going to be cliche and yell "Success is only about being happy" because lets face it; if you give me some nandos 1/2 chicken and a cool drink then believe me when I say I'll be happy for days.

What I'm trying to say is; an artist sees success in such a different manner compared to other professions. We feel success when we finally finish that project we've been planning for weeks, we feel success when our work gets exhibited in galleries, we feel success when we SEE other people around us feeling something from looking at our work; the most powerful emotion for myself as an artist is to hear people tell me how my work made them feel; how it made them cry, smile, and go back in time to a certain period of their lives and feel nostalgic. These are the things I see as success for an artist. Don't get me wrong, we also feel success when we make money from our pieces and when we get commissioned or finish contracts; of course. However, that feeling isn't coming from just the money, its coming from years of hard work and visualization, visuals that we have been able to portray well enough for that person to pay us.

Do you see what I mean? Success is relevant to what you have aimed yourself to achieve; and if we're talking about success in Art then it takes a lot more than painting one pretty portrait, or photoshooting one nice landscape, or maybe producing one hype beat; you know? Of course there are people out there that have had one hit wonders and made millions; BUT is that success? Are these people truly content in their lives? Do they have anything else to strive for? The answer is usually 'no'. I find myself saying this time and time again; money does not equate to success. Yes, it makes you feel good when you buy your favorite car or you go on that special holiday and by all means YOU ARE ENTITLED TO THIS, you've worked hard and you deserve it, man. Just don't stop there. Carry on going and keep lifting your spirits by exceeding the boundaries you set yourself.

We live in a world where money is seen as paramount; and you know what; it probably is. What can we do without it? Let's not live in a fairy tale world and say "But love is all you need!" because dude, it really isn't. You still need to find a source of income if you are stable to work and there are a lot of opportunities out there. Just don't forget your art; don't forget the one thing that frees you from this mental maze that we call 'Life'

It's been a pleasure.

Keep that vision clear.

Over and out!..okay, okay, maybe just bye. :)