Family. What a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts that run around my heart and brain when I hear that word. Since I could remember, the term "family" meant protection, love, friendship and blood. Superior to everyone, indestructible by no-one. Meanings of words that you define in your head compared to the meanings of those same words that life defines for you are quite the opposite.
I feel like I've lived my family life through trailers, teasers and little flashes of what could of been. I feel like we're all on a timer with people in life, and once that timer is up, those people are gone; leaving you with memories that are impossible to wipe. Those memories anger you, they kill you inside, eventually making you hate the ones that made you feel like that, you hate yourself for letting them get that version out of you, you hate them for so many more deeper reasons than what they did to just you. You hate them for what they did to your loved ones. Most importantly, you hate them for making you hate them.
Sometimes, it's not you, sometimes it's them. Sometimes our families are our biggest enemies and often even rivals. Have you noticed, that the most trivial things can get stretched to widths that you never imagined them to reach? It seems planned, premeditated and too tactical for certain things to just "happen"
It's those same thoughts that keep you up at night, thinking to yourself "how can something like this, blow up into that?"
Well, the truth is; if someone wants it to go that far, they will allow it to go that far. Being the daughter of the family, you are pressured to be the more empathetic one, the understanding and forgiving one, you feel this sense of responsibility to deal with everyones mistakes. You get to a point where you realise, it's not you. You're dealing with their reality. They are happy with the way things are, and they are content with their fabricated version of events.
Leave them to it.
Friday 27 April 2018
Sunday 10 July 2016
Sometimes..it is.
Do you ever just sit there and analyse everything that's ever occurred in your life time? Whether that's childhood, adolescence, your 20's or just an hour ago. Doesn't it blow you away thinking how you got through certain times of your life? The times you thought would never end, but they kinda' just did, end I mean.
Sometimes life has a weird way of telling us something isn't right for us, often that's a lot to do with the people in our lives, we constantly think that having the "right" person in our life will make everything better, everything will fall into place and things will just make sense again...but is that ever the case?
Not really.
Now, I'm not only talking about the current and forever current issue in everyones' life being; a partner. I mean friends, family, employers, employees, you know; the thought that a polite bus driver in the morning might make your day brighter, right? It's almost as if we count on other human beings to make our lives better, and yes; to a certain extent, they can make our lives better. However that's not the issue. I mean, why would we ever complain that someones making our day a little bit less dull?
The issue is; who are we expecting this from? We invest our time usually in the wrong people, no matter who they are to you, no matter what they said to you, no matter how they are right now with you, it is always subject to change. We cannot guarantee our happiness through other people. In fact, this leads faster to sadness.
We must understand that people can empathise with you, but they will never fully understand you, that sometimes the things they do will hurt you; and you can't blame them, really. People are selfish, and I don't always mean that negatively. Being selfish is often a protective shield for people. There's just not many people that will put you before them.
When something is too good to be true..
..It usually is.
<3
Sometimes life has a weird way of telling us something isn't right for us, often that's a lot to do with the people in our lives, we constantly think that having the "right" person in our life will make everything better, everything will fall into place and things will just make sense again...but is that ever the case?
Not really.
Now, I'm not only talking about the current and forever current issue in everyones' life being; a partner. I mean friends, family, employers, employees, you know; the thought that a polite bus driver in the morning might make your day brighter, right? It's almost as if we count on other human beings to make our lives better, and yes; to a certain extent, they can make our lives better. However that's not the issue. I mean, why would we ever complain that someones making our day a little bit less dull?
The issue is; who are we expecting this from? We invest our time usually in the wrong people, no matter who they are to you, no matter what they said to you, no matter how they are right now with you, it is always subject to change. We cannot guarantee our happiness through other people. In fact, this leads faster to sadness.
We must understand that people can empathise with you, but they will never fully understand you, that sometimes the things they do will hurt you; and you can't blame them, really. People are selfish, and I don't always mean that negatively. Being selfish is often a protective shield for people. There's just not many people that will put you before them.
When something is too good to be true..
..It usually is.
<3
Sunday 22 March 2015
A loss for earth, but a gain for the almighty.
Why do people pass away?
Why is it the good people leave us, and feel so much pain? When all they've ever done is distribute vast amounts of love and knowledge to each person who ever entered their life? Why is it always those ones that get the bitter end of life?
So many questions for such a sensitive topic, a topic that scientists and religious leaders have been trying to get to the bottom of for centuries on end, but is it really down to us to have the right of knowing something so sacred?
We are all born here as sinners, to correct ourselves for a better after life, a clearer brain in this life, and a better nights sleep. It's this morality that makes us good people, but its the same morality, conscience and care we hold for other humans that hurt us, it's knowing a beautiful human being with a heart of nothing but Gold, being able to converse with them and feel their atmosphere, then coming to terms with that person leaving us.
Hold on to their memories and thoughts, keep them alive in your laughter and understand that this life is merely just that. This life. It passes us by in seconds, and never forget for a second that although you may see someone who is dying a bit earlier than you, doesn't mean you are not dying with every passing second, we are all working are way up to that. It is a scary thought but only scary because of the unknowing, right? Feeling the fear of hurting your loved ones. You know, there's a few lyrics by my favorite artist Tech..
"And it's the people that love you that seem to hurt you the most"
"Appreciate them to the fullest extent, and then beyond
'Cause you never really know what you got, until it's gone"
How accurate can he get? Live your life, do right by your morals and by your faith, keep Allah in your heart and he will help you, it may seem as though he is not listening; but one day you will wake up and thank him for not answering your prayers, sometimes what we want isn't always what's best for us, or for the people around us.
I'm going to finish this post with something to help ease the pain, and reassure you that your loved one is in a better place:
"Abu Sa`id and Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with them) reported:
The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, “When the dwellers of Jannah enter Jannah, an announcer will call: (You have a promise from Allah that) you will live therein and you will never die; you will stay healthy therein and you will never fall ill; you will stay young and you will never become old; you will be under a constant bliss and you will never feel miserable.” [Muslim]."
Rest in paradise.
Lots of love,
Natashah
Why is it the good people leave us, and feel so much pain? When all they've ever done is distribute vast amounts of love and knowledge to each person who ever entered their life? Why is it always those ones that get the bitter end of life?
So many questions for such a sensitive topic, a topic that scientists and religious leaders have been trying to get to the bottom of for centuries on end, but is it really down to us to have the right of knowing something so sacred?
We are all born here as sinners, to correct ourselves for a better after life, a clearer brain in this life, and a better nights sleep. It's this morality that makes us good people, but its the same morality, conscience and care we hold for other humans that hurt us, it's knowing a beautiful human being with a heart of nothing but Gold, being able to converse with them and feel their atmosphere, then coming to terms with that person leaving us.
Hold on to their memories and thoughts, keep them alive in your laughter and understand that this life is merely just that. This life. It passes us by in seconds, and never forget for a second that although you may see someone who is dying a bit earlier than you, doesn't mean you are not dying with every passing second, we are all working are way up to that. It is a scary thought but only scary because of the unknowing, right? Feeling the fear of hurting your loved ones. You know, there's a few lyrics by my favorite artist Tech..
"And it's the people that love you that seem to hurt you the most"
"Appreciate them to the fullest extent, and then beyond
'Cause you never really know what you got, until it's gone"
How accurate can he get? Live your life, do right by your morals and by your faith, keep Allah in your heart and he will help you, it may seem as though he is not listening; but one day you will wake up and thank him for not answering your prayers, sometimes what we want isn't always what's best for us, or for the people around us.
I'm going to finish this post with something to help ease the pain, and reassure you that your loved one is in a better place:
"Abu Sa`id and Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with them) reported:
The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, “When the dwellers of Jannah enter Jannah, an announcer will call: (You have a promise from Allah that) you will live therein and you will never die; you will stay healthy therein and you will never fall ill; you will stay young and you will never become old; you will be under a constant bliss and you will never feel miserable.” [Muslim]."
Rest in paradise.
Lots of love,
Natashah
Wednesday 18 March 2015
Strangers vs Lovers
I believe Love happens to everyone, but I believe a reciprocated love only happens to a few.
Some of us get glimpses of Love through our lives, and we feel like we've known the most powerful love anyone could ever know; whilst some people get whole-hearted love yet feel like they can do better. Ain't that something?
It's never even about the overrated aspects about Love that fascinate me, you know.. those cliche things like good morning texts, random flowers and "he's the best thing that ever happened to me" talks.
To me, it's more about having a friend who's that little bit more to you, that person you can wind up that little bit more and get away with it, that person who makes you feel great and makes you feel like the person you want to be. It's about having a jokey relationship but knowing when to be serious. It's about funny insults and sitting on a bench for hours on end just talking about nonsense simply because the bond between you both is so strong that simple leisures are refreshing.
I've found that the people who have this mind-state and mentality towards Love are usually the ones who can get anyone they want, except the one they already have. Bizzare? Let me explain..
Although you're appealing to the people who aren't used to a bare and blunt Love like yours; the person who already thinks they have that love from you often poke at you until you turn into the person you promised yourself you wouldn't be, you start picking at things that never really meant much to you before, you are faced with an iceberg that refuses to budge so you become this monster because the person you decided to invest all your crazy Love into didn't appreciate it.
Yet..to the stranger you're the most perfect human.
How ridiculously insane is it that you can spend an hour with a stranger and they can see everything you are, but you can spend years with your spouse and they still don't know.
Life is the biggest player, and sadly its two-timing all of us.
Peace.
Some of us get glimpses of Love through our lives, and we feel like we've known the most powerful love anyone could ever know; whilst some people get whole-hearted love yet feel like they can do better. Ain't that something?
It's never even about the overrated aspects about Love that fascinate me, you know.. those cliche things like good morning texts, random flowers and "he's the best thing that ever happened to me" talks.
To me, it's more about having a friend who's that little bit more to you, that person you can wind up that little bit more and get away with it, that person who makes you feel great and makes you feel like the person you want to be. It's about having a jokey relationship but knowing when to be serious. It's about funny insults and sitting on a bench for hours on end just talking about nonsense simply because the bond between you both is so strong that simple leisures are refreshing.
I've found that the people who have this mind-state and mentality towards Love are usually the ones who can get anyone they want, except the one they already have. Bizzare? Let me explain..
Although you're appealing to the people who aren't used to a bare and blunt Love like yours; the person who already thinks they have that love from you often poke at you until you turn into the person you promised yourself you wouldn't be, you start picking at things that never really meant much to you before, you are faced with an iceberg that refuses to budge so you become this monster because the person you decided to invest all your crazy Love into didn't appreciate it.
Yet..to the stranger you're the most perfect human.
How ridiculously insane is it that you can spend an hour with a stranger and they can see everything you are, but you can spend years with your spouse and they still don't know.
Life is the biggest player, and sadly its two-timing all of us.
Peace.
Wednesday 3 September 2014
The Broken Cookie
Ya Allah; I know your intentions are purer and truer than mine will ever be. I understand I am a sinner and you are the most glorified. I understand you never burden a soul more than it can ever take. I remember you daily, I remember you every hour. Please forgive me for questioning your ways, but I need to know what's happening.
I stand very little infront of such magnificence I get it God, I get it. you have won before you ever started. I understand every single lesson you ever taught me, and I hope you give me the courage to continue to understand the further lessons you bestow upon me.
But Lord, haven't I proved anything; even a little bit? even the most minor dot in the sky. Have you not seen my sincerity? I ask for your forgiveness time and time again. Please forgive me now. I will do everything in my power to make you happy.
You and me, Lord; we have shared such a rollercoaster relationship. I remember the days I used to doubt you, and I remember the days I blamed you for everything in my life; I remember the days I used to not want to ever hear your name. I was so angry at you. At 14 years old standing in the rain looking up to you on my knees asking you to help me, screaming at you, cursing at you. I just wanted your help and I was convinced you couldn't hear me. I was so wrong; you were helping me in every way possible; you gave me so many signs and escapes. I chose to stay in the path I was in. How could I be so oblivious? I'm so sorry. This is my emotions on paper for you;
I know you've listened to this before from me, but my heart was bleeding and I need to talk to you, again.
At 21 years old; I understand you are the world. Without you, I wouldn't be out of any of this mess. You have faced all my demons with me; even when you pushed me away, you still saw my intentions being great enough to help me. I remember you all the time; when I'm happy, when I'm sad, and when I'm angry. You and me both know what my anger is like. Again, I apologise for my impatience. I know Allah; I know you made me a strong one, "The girl with a stone for a heart" as my mother would say when she was frustrated with her stubborn daughter. I know you send people and situations in life for a reason, to be a blessing or a lesson. I have had many lessons now. I cannot open my heart anymore.
But this time, I was so happy; but I knew you don't reward without a test; I guess the test this time was after the reward. I just need you to give me more courage to face these multiple challenges you have put on me. Can you help me with this? SubhanAllah you're so effortless with your ways; you give and you take, and then you wait. You wait until I have gotten to the edge, the edge of my life and then you help me back up. I know I'm here for a reason, and I'll find this out when we finally exchange voices.
My life twisted like that one swing a naughty kid wrapped around the bar; which is too high and too wrapped in different directions to ever be able to single handedly bring down. I don't want you to take this swing down for me, but please lower it for me; so I can reach and attempt to untangle it.
Life, Love and lessons. I know I'll get through this, I know I am strong with you; but I'm tired, I'm so tired.
I know you know. You know I know. We both know that only you can help me whilst I utilize what you have already given me. The rest of the world needs your blessings before I ever will; I will beunpatiently patient for you and only ever you. I'll work with the props you have given me for now, I promise you. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense God; and I'm sorry if this is all a big mess; but it's just a reflection of my heart right now.
Ya Allah; I have no complaints, only questions.
Lots of love from,
Your child. x
I stand very little infront of such magnificence I get it God, I get it. you have won before you ever started. I understand every single lesson you ever taught me, and I hope you give me the courage to continue to understand the further lessons you bestow upon me.
But Lord, haven't I proved anything; even a little bit? even the most minor dot in the sky. Have you not seen my sincerity? I ask for your forgiveness time and time again. Please forgive me now. I will do everything in my power to make you happy.
You and me, Lord; we have shared such a rollercoaster relationship. I remember the days I used to doubt you, and I remember the days I blamed you for everything in my life; I remember the days I used to not want to ever hear your name. I was so angry at you. At 14 years old standing in the rain looking up to you on my knees asking you to help me, screaming at you, cursing at you. I just wanted your help and I was convinced you couldn't hear me. I was so wrong; you were helping me in every way possible; you gave me so many signs and escapes. I chose to stay in the path I was in. How could I be so oblivious? I'm so sorry. This is my emotions on paper for you;
I know you've listened to this before from me, but my heart was bleeding and I need to talk to you, again.
At 21 years old; I understand you are the world. Without you, I wouldn't be out of any of this mess. You have faced all my demons with me; even when you pushed me away, you still saw my intentions being great enough to help me. I remember you all the time; when I'm happy, when I'm sad, and when I'm angry. You and me both know what my anger is like. Again, I apologise for my impatience. I know Allah; I know you made me a strong one, "The girl with a stone for a heart" as my mother would say when she was frustrated with her stubborn daughter. I know you send people and situations in life for a reason, to be a blessing or a lesson. I have had many lessons now. I cannot open my heart anymore.
But this time, I was so happy; but I knew you don't reward without a test; I guess the test this time was after the reward. I just need you to give me more courage to face these multiple challenges you have put on me. Can you help me with this? SubhanAllah you're so effortless with your ways; you give and you take, and then you wait. You wait until I have gotten to the edge, the edge of my life and then you help me back up. I know I'm here for a reason, and I'll find this out when we finally exchange voices.
My life twisted like that one swing a naughty kid wrapped around the bar; which is too high and too wrapped in different directions to ever be able to single handedly bring down. I don't want you to take this swing down for me, but please lower it for me; so I can reach and attempt to untangle it.
Life, Love and lessons. I know I'll get through this, I know I am strong with you; but I'm tired, I'm so tired.
I know you know. You know I know. We both know that only you can help me whilst I utilize what you have already given me. The rest of the world needs your blessings before I ever will; I will be
Ya Allah; I have no complaints, only questions.
Lots of love from,
Your child. x
Sunday 15 June 2014
This type of Love
Love?
It's beautiful to have someone you can share the world with, see a future with. someone you can speak to throughout the day, someone you can escape to from this crazy world, someone you can put all your trust into which you could never do before. It's stunning to have that person who feels for you what you feel for them.
But there's a definition of love that isn't so pretty, the type that really spins you around and brings this beautiful world that was made for you straight down, the crazy stupid type of love where you start doing things and saying things to each other that you promised you never would, your words are just rolling out and your heart cant stop them this time. you're both full of tears and yeah you've been here with eachother many times but never took it serious, one day of silent treatment solved it everytime, right?
But not this time. your heart is angry now and there's nothing to calm it. The type of love that leaves you lonely and disconnects you from a routine you were so used to. The type of love that makes you rethink a future you were so excited for,
..And the type of love that makes you leave the person who made you feel this type of love..
It's beautiful to have someone you can share the world with, see a future with. someone you can speak to throughout the day, someone you can escape to from this crazy world, someone you can put all your trust into which you could never do before. It's stunning to have that person who feels for you what you feel for them.
But there's a definition of love that isn't so pretty, the type that really spins you around and brings this beautiful world that was made for you straight down, the crazy stupid type of love where you start doing things and saying things to each other that you promised you never would, your words are just rolling out and your heart cant stop them this time. you're both full of tears and yeah you've been here with eachother many times but never took it serious, one day of silent treatment solved it everytime, right?
But not this time. your heart is angry now and there's nothing to calm it. The type of love that leaves you lonely and disconnects you from a routine you were so used to. The type of love that makes you rethink a future you were so excited for,
..And the type of love that makes you leave the person who made you feel this type of love..
Wednesday 9 April 2014
So..what is a successful artist?
Personally, when I hear the term "Successful" what I picture in my mind is hard work payed of; not measured in pound coins but measured in relief, and being truly content in their accomplishments. Happiness is of course a measure of success but only to an extent. Now, I'm not going to be cliche and yell "Success is only about being happy" because lets face it; if you give me some nandos 1/2 chicken and a cool drink then believe me when I say I'll be happy for days.
What I'm trying to say is; an artist sees success in such a different manner compared to other professions. We feel success when we finally finish that project we've been planning for weeks, we feel success when our work gets exhibited in galleries, we feel success when we SEE other people around us feeling something from looking at our work; the most powerful emotion for myself as an artist is to hear people tell me how my work made them feel; how it made them cry, smile, and go back in time to a certain period of their lives and feel nostalgic. These are the things I see as success for an artist. Don't get me wrong, we also feel success when we make money from our pieces and when we get commissioned or finish contracts; of course. However, that feeling isn't coming from just the money, its coming from years of hard work and visualization, visuals that we have been able to portray well enough for that person to pay us.
Do you see what I mean? Success is relevant to what you have aimed yourself to achieve; and if we're talking about success in Art then it takes a lot more than painting one pretty portrait, or photoshooting one nice landscape, or maybe producing one hype beat; you know? Of course there are people out there that have had one hit wonders and made millions; BUT is that success? Are these people truly content in their lives? Do they have anything else to strive for? The answer is usually 'no'. I find myself saying this time and time again; money does not equate to success. Yes, it makes you feel good when you buy your favorite car or you go on that special holiday and by all means YOU ARE ENTITLED TO THIS, you've worked hard and you deserve it, man. Just don't stop there. Carry on going and keep lifting your spirits by exceeding the boundaries you set yourself.
We live in a world where money is seen as paramount; and you know what; it probably is. What can we do without it? Let's not live in a fairy tale world and say "But love is all you need!" because dude, it really isn't. You still need to find a source of income if you are stable to work and there are a lot of opportunities out there. Just don't forget your art; don't forget the one thing that frees you from this mental maze that we call 'Life'
It's been a pleasure.
Keep that vision clear.
Over and out!..okay, okay, maybe just bye. :)
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